Articles from TheCareerAdvisor
 
Showcase Your "Home Run" Accomplishments, Part Eight
 
How to Rework Your Writing

You'll probably need to rework your sentences many times to give them impact. When you first write your achievements, they may be too general. You may need to return to them and sharpen them up. Here are some examples of accomplishments that have been rewritten and improved:

First Version Second Version
As part of team, successfully completed project ahead of schedule and under budget. As part of management development team, successfully completed performance appraisal ahead of schedule and $10 MM under budget.
Administered labor contract effectively with minimum grievances. Administered complex union contract involving travel, transfer, seniority, wages and benefits and negotiated settlement of 70% of labor grievances at my level.
Was outstanding manager. Received 3 promotions and 18 pay raises in 38 years. As supervisor, was rated in top 25% for last 5 years.
Input 40 orders per day to give customers faster service. Input 40 orders daily, exceeding the average by 60%. Six to nine orders is satisfactory; more than 12 is considered outstanding.
Coordinated with all departments to ensure customer satisfaction. Coordinated with all departments nationwide to ensure customer satisfaction. Result was an average of six customer commendations per month.

Met all 1985 office quotas
(an accomplishment simply stated.)
Supervised publication of business telephone directory. Spearheaded production of the 3 most successful business directories in 10 years.
Successfully implemented recognition and tracking procedures for 40 employees. Successfully computerized recognition and tracking system for 40 employees. Project involved extensive data changes and accurate research, and saved $15,000 per year in clerical time.
Proven track record for system sales bringing in high revenue. Sold telephone systems and brought in $50,000 revenue per month.

 
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